Maybe Baby

If I could have my dream job, I would be a veterinarian. I love animals of all shapes and sizes, and I want to help them the best that I can. The one issue is: I don't want to be a doctor. Seriously. I can't handle blood, or broken bones, or sad situations. Not to mention I can't handle science and anything science related. And there's no way I can get into med school.

I went to this pet hospital in Arlington Texas and all I could think about was how I want to help them, but I just don't have the resolve to do so. There is no way I could ever handle dying and sick animals all day. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. And just thinking about how helpless I am to help them also makes me want to cry. It is a conundrum. At least I am not science smart, so I don't really have the option to help them out. And maybe that's an easy way out, but it is true. I got a D- in biology and I thought that was good. But way to go all you fabulous veterinarians. I admire you.

Gucci.

I love to sew. This summer I made myself two dresses and a quilt for my best friends daughter. I would not consider my self a sewing expert, but I would say I am rather proficient. I am in the middle of making a bridesmaid's dress for my best friends wedding. All of the bridesmaids are making their own dress, which is fun except we have a pattern we have to follow :(

I really wish I could just go and buy the Gucci fabric I've had my eye on forever and make my own dress. It would still be classy, it just wouldn't be what everyone else has. Instead we have some Louis Vuitton fabric, which is really pretty, I was just in love with the Gucci, you know? It's hard to deal with, but I think I'll live ;)

I would just buy the Gucci, but I just bought some Burberry fabric to make a dress for a New Years Eve party and I don't exactly have the money to be buying more designer fabric at this time, which is sad for me. I already asked my mom for some Coach fabric so I can make her a purse - ha.

Galapagos Islands

I started dreaming my next dream vacation. Do you know where I'm going to go? The Galapagos Islands! Yeah, the same ones Darwin visited! Super rad, right?

I was looking up different vacation destinations while I was in my biology class and we started learning about evolution and *yawn* Darwin. Then my professor mentioned where Darwin did all of his research...the Galapagos Islands! Islands?? I instantly perked up because when I hear the word island I automatically think of beaches and sun, and heaven. That's when I decided to cruise Galapagos islands on a big old yacht. 

You see, there are tons of Galapagos tours available, you just have to look for them! Also, not many people go there, so it sounds all fancy and exotic, way more so than if you just cruised Hawaii or somewhere lame like that.

Galapagos is totally the new Hawaii -- only for the elite. You see Hawaii has become way too mainstream, any Tom, Dick or Harry can go there, and I want somewhere elite. Also, the islands are just south of the Equator, so it's really nice and hot there. Seriously, I am almost salivating, dreaming of my Galapagos yacht trip I'm taking soon. You see, I planned it for the dead of winter so I would enjoy it the most I could. If I take it during the summer, the temperature would not be to my benefit.

I am stoked. This guy and I are going to be best friends.

All I Needs A Few More Dolla's

My little sister loves the movie Newsies a lot. A lot a lot. She loves it so much so that when Christian Bale or Jack "Cowboy" Kelly sings his song about Santa Fe, she would have done anything to go there. I asked her once if she would be willing to be to work for financial planners in Santa Fe New Mexico and she screamed yes without even thinking, all she heard was Santa Fe. Her scream was followed by a very quick, what does financial planners mean? (she was still too young to know much) I told her that they offer investment services to people in New Mexico. She again asked questions, but only really cared about the Santa Fe part. I told her they helped people manage money and save it up, like Jack Kelly is trying to do so he can move down to Santa Fe. And she said, as long as I get to help Jack Kelly, I don't care what I'm doing. I think she missed that part of the movie where he decides to stay in New York with Sarah because he is a King of New York now, or at least Bill Pullman told him he was. Ever since she has always been willing to help me manage my money, as long as I mention Jack Kelly.

I Bet Not

I am not a betting woman, yet the only sport I would ever bet on is soccer. Pretty much, it is the best sport to watch, and also the most exciting, even though the rest of America would disagree (but seriously America, you like baseball! How can I trust you to tell me what kind of sports I should like?) Low scores make it easy to bet on, and with all of the soccer tips out there from announcers and people that have been watching forever, soccer picks are relatively easy to make.

This isn't like basketball where the scores can range from the 50's up to the 100's, usually people win soccer with scores of 5 and below. Mathematically speaking, soccer betting is more profitable because there are less possible combination of scores to bet on. I bet soccer is pretty intense over in Europe and South America, and basically the whole rest of the world, where they actually care about the sport.

Also, all you need to do is read a few articles on the top players, how they recently performed in the World Cup and then pick the team they are on to win. That sounds easy enough to me.

Soccer Betting

I read this book Blink that was all about thinking with out thinking. Basically it studied our unconscious thoughts, like what we think of someone the first time we meet them, or why we feel safe here and not there.

It explored this one man's ability to determine when a tennis player was going to miss a serve a second time in a row. He could do it while watching the person live, or on TV. He studied and studied, but he never could figure out how he could do it.

Then there was this other man who could tell which horse would win a race, based on who he was lined up next to. For example, if the horse had lost to a mare early in his career, being next to a mare would be detrimental to his performance.

And it made me wonder, there has got to be someone out there with soccer picks and he doesn't realize he knows, but he does. I wonder if there are people like that everywhere, who always win the soccer betting, and it wasn't in the book because soccer is not very big in America. I wonder if he could go around giving seminars on his soccer tips, helping everyone be better at soccer betting.

Frank

I have a tiny confession. I am in love with Frank from the Bachelorette. I almost signed up for the Bachelor because I thought he would be the next one. Before I signed up however, I looked up spoiler alerts to see that he left Ali for an old girlfriend! But I don't care, when they went to his hometown date in Chicago, I tried to see his address so I could stalk him. Yep, seriously.

So I have set up this entire scheme on how to get Frank to love me and not his current girlfriend Nicole. You see it involves a chance meeting at an audio visual rental store in Chicago (brilliant start to the plan, no? My friend owns the place so it'll be a great meeting), and then it continues to involve more audio visual stuff throughout the night, like slide shows of my love and things of that nature. I'm not exactly sure how to get him to the store because he wouldn't even come to the Bachelorette Men Tell All, and I'm sure they offered him money!  But once I've got him there, he will have no choice to dump Nicole and start dating me! :)

Wedding Dress!

It is insanely hard to find a temple wedding dress because I am a pretty picky girl, especially when it comes to my clothes, especially when it comes to my wedding day. Hello. You only buy one wedding dress, EVER, so the pressure is pretty intense to get it right.

The only wedding dress I have seen that I want to wear was on Project Runway:

I have dreams about this dress. Seriously. I have been trying to figure out a way that I could wear this and still be modest. Granted, there are a lot of modest wedding dresses out there, but finding one that is different and vintage like this is not easy. I have been to a lot of weddings, and seen a lot of modest wedding gowns that were pretty, and were very much the style of the bride, yet I have never been able to find something that is me (except for the dress above). All of my plans to alter the dress above (in my head of course) have been in vain, the only possible scenario I could see working would be to add feather sleeves. It could definitely work, I just don't want anything that will detract from the simple gorgeousness of the dress, you know? Any suggestions? 

John Boos

Growing up we always had Cutco knives and I never thought anything of it, because I'm a kid, why should I care what kind of knives we have! Then as I grew older I realized the superiority of those knives. My mom bought hers in college, so I was hoping to save up in college to buy myself some. Well, that is a rich dream, let me tell you. To have any money after you are done with college is a feat, let alone having some while attending college. So for my most recent birthday my mom bought me some knives, and ever since I have been slightly to moderately obsessed with fine kitchen cookware. For example, have you ever seen a John Boos butcher block? Man, those things are nice. I bought one and it compliments my Cutco knives perfectly! Since I had such a great experience with by butcher block, I decided to look into other John Boos products. I found a beautiful John Boos table (which I bought) and a kitchen island (which I did not buy due to lack of space, because of the table which I have added to my ridiculously small apartment). But I plan on buying other products as soon as I get somewhere nicer and more permanent to live.

COPPER

I have really come to enjoy metals of all kinds.

Copper, nickel, iron, zinc, aluminum, and whatever batteries are made out of.

You may be thinking, Mae, what a weird thing to enjoy. But I will say to you, no! It is a perfectly reasonable thing to enjoy. My enjoyment came about slowly, first with what batteries are made of because they feel weird when you stick them on your tongue. Then aluminum because of aluminum foil balls you make after you eat a baked potato. Then zinc, iron and nickel for the obvious reasons. Lastly copper.

Did you know that copper has a resounding history? When you think of copper you may only think of the copper pots and pans of today, but this is not so my friends. The copper pot you cook with is only the icing on the cake. In ancient Greece's alchemy,the symbol for copper was also the symbol for the goddess and planet Venus because of it's beauty and it's ability to produce mirrors. I'm telling you, people have been using copper for ages! We just recently started making copper pans because we wanted to be original and everything you think could have been done with copper already was. There are copper mines and copper doors and the ancient Aztecs fought sore throats by gargling copper mixtures. Weird, right? Go look up other cool things done with copper and amaze all of your friends!!!

History

I love to watch the History Channel. I find all of the World War II military history shows fascinating. I think it's cool that most of the shows on the History Channel are about World War II because the majority of people who watch the History Channel served or vividly remember World War II.

I think this is interesting because in the history of the world, history can probably be categorized into a few different categories, gender, national, ancient, social, and military history.

But out of these categories, military history is probably the most interesting, because there are the most feelings, perspectives and actions that take place. Sure social history is interesting, but there is no outline of battles that took place in order to make changes happen. Following military history is fascinating and easy because you see clear causes and effects that you can rarely see elsewhere within the realm of history. For example, we don't really understand all of the causes that led to Women's Suffrage, but we can probably list a few key factors to how we won the Civil War. Or World War I or World War II. Which leads me back to my original statements about the History Channel. Not only does the History Channel have most of it's programs spotlighting World War II because of it's audience, it will probably continue to highlight wars as this is the easiest and also the most complex subject to cover.

Thank you.

When is the last time you got a Christmas card from your place of work? Yeah...that's what I thought.

When is the last time you got a business Thanksgiving card? Now that's more like it! These Thanksgiving cards for business are all the rage now a days. My friend gets either a turkey or a fruit basket for Thanksgiving from her work, not to mention a Thanksgiving card to boot. Talk about fancy, right?

Not only do these Thanksgiving cards remind employees to have fun and eat a lot, it reminds them that they are appreciated. In essence, they are what the executives are thankful for. One time, in the entire year, you know that you are appreciated because you get a card! It will probably have a cornucopia on it, or some fall leaves, but isn't that exactly what we want? As long as there is something cool on the inside or outside of the card, it makes the entire year of hard work worth it. We don't have to think about the miserable winter that is fast approaching, or the stress of inbetween Thanksgiving and Christmas. On Thanksgiving, with my card, I can relax and give thanks.

Merry New Years!

Have you started thinking about your Christmas cards yet? Well, you probably should because the Holiday season is fast approaching. You think you have time, and then once Halloween hits, it's all over. After Halloween you have to prepare for Thanksgiving, and then Christmas is only a few weeks later, and amidst all of the shopping for presents, and baking and decorating, you forget to send out cards! I know I always do.


But I recently stumbled upon a grand idea, New Year's cards! Not only that, but business New Year's cards! Ingenious right? Meaning, you can be at work, and all the while be working on your business New Years greeting cards! You can not only make people feel good that you forgot about during Christmas, but you can do it on your company time! But be careful, just because New Year's is technically after Christmas, you should remember that nothing productive happens between the two holidays. Maybe you return unwanted presents? Maybe you go and see family or friends? But don't you dare think about waiting until the break to send out your New Year's cards. Do it before, then you can feel superior to your friends who only send out Christmas cards, when you are following the new trend and being more politically correct at the same time.  

Yay Me!

Three Jobs That Are Too Good For Me:

1. A security guard for the President.
Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as they come, and I love Obama, I'm just not too sure that I love this country enough to take a bullet for it. In war, that's a different story, because that's a country to country, issue to issue type of deal, but to die just because some psycho wants to kill the president? Not my thing. Shouldn't the president be wearing some sort of bullet proof vest all of the time anyway?

2. To work at a pharmacy in West Palm Beach
Sure, pharamcists make a lot of money, but pharmacies in general confuse me. I am not scientific or mathematical in any way, so the thought of working somewhere that is all about science is not that appealing to me. Also, I would be worried about getting sick all of the time, because mostly sick people go to the pharmacy. And I've never been to West Palm Beach, but I hear it's either hot and humid or thunderstorms. I'm more of a mild climate girl.

3. Kindergarten teacher.
Probably no one could pay me enough money to do this. I love kids, but running a day care where you actually have to teach the kids something is beyond me. Only the greats can do this, and I am not a great.

Limousine Service

I have an idea for a new ritzy way to do touristy things, while still looking posh. It's a limousine service that takes you and your family, or spouse or friends, (essentially, a small group) and takes them around a touristy town, like Washington D.C.

So, instead of hitting just the touristy spots like Lincoln Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, The White House, etc., you would get to see the nicest parts of town. The best bakeries, the best vintage stores, the underground places to see famous people. Basically, you would experience the city like you've lived there your whole life, and you'd still get to see the main attractions.

This Washington D.C. limousine service sounds pretty cool, right?

Well, there's more to my plan! Each driver would have to be a local, and would have to know the underground hot spots. Now, not every driver can keep sending these tourists to local spots, because then essentially, it would become a tourist spot. So, each driver would only be allowed to take his small group to the same place twice a week. And no two drivers could have the same itinerary.

Who really wants to park and walk all over humid DC? No one!

Who really wants to ride the metro with stinky people? No one!

Who wants a nice swanky atmosphere without the lines and tourists? EVERYONE!

Nice Day for a White Wedding??

"Will you marry me?!?!?"

There are 5 things that frighten or disturb me. One is marriage. Next is being lost in space. Then there's wedding programs. Following is being buried alive. Lastly is spiders.

Today I have decided to talk about being buried alive. JK. I'm going to talk about marriage. 

"Marriage is what brings us together today."

Reasons I am disturbed:

Look at Romeo and Juliet's first anniversary picture, didn't work out to hot for them now, did it?

As long as we're talking about one year anniversaries, what is the deal with eating the top of your cake on your one year anniversary?? Gross.


Wedding programs and receptions included are also the pits because sometimes they are awkward. You have to dress nice and dance and listen to lovey music. And sometimes there's no open bar :( If you make me come to your wedding, at least open the bar, right? Don't get me wrong, I love me a good reception, as long as it is a nice, classy event. I hate listening to drunken speeches about past relationships and follies in the relationship between the bride and groom. Leave the drama for your mama, who hopefully is safely at home.

BONES

Have you ever seen that show Bones? 

This is what I know about it. It's about these forensic engineers in North Carolina. There is a lot of sexual tension between the two main characters. It's like Jim and Pam, only it has lasted 10 seasons or something like that (I just looked it up, the 6th season is just starting). So all I can say, is that when something finally happens between the girl who's sister is Zooey Deschanel and that main guy from Angel, you will be able to hear the cries of relief and happiness from fans, spanning the United States. Which, if you really think about it, is pretty sad, seeing as these are fictional people...shouldn't people be focusing on their own lives instead of trying to find satisfaction from a fictional love story? I guess there's a lot wrong with society today, and loving Bones isn't the worst thing possible. I mean, I guess we read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and George Orwell for the same things, right?

But back to Bones. I know that they have supposedly witty banter....basically, it is every other show on TV is has forensics, a love story, accident reconstruction so we can follow along, and no real episode to episode plot, no matter how hard they try. You never hear someone say, Did  you see BONES last night? No! It's all about Lost, the crazy plot show.

Poser.

Once I met this guy who was a dentist in Falls Church, Virginia. He was telling me all about his little town, which is outside of Alexandria, Virginia, which is outside of Washington D.C., which is the capital of our nation. So basically, he tell me, he is from D.C. Riiiiiight. I've heard that before. So many people try to pretend to be from way cooler and bigger places than they really are. Like Elian Gonzalez, he tried to pretend to be from America, when he was clearly from Cuba. Remember how adorable he was? Apparently he is working with Fidel now. Siggggh.

But back to the Falls Church dentist, he was very uppity about all the heritage in his town, just because it was established in the sixteenth century. And I was thinking, really? You probably burned people! And second have you ever heard of China? Because Archaeological evidence suggests that the earliest hominids (or as I like to call them, gorilla-men) in China date from 250,000 to 2.24 million years ago.

Anyways. I saw right through him and his condescension. Seriously, he was acting like he was the King of America because he lives "in" D.C. also because he's a dentist.

MAMMA MIA!

Remember when I posted about my maybe father? He owned a plumbing business in Sacramento. Well I found him! He is still up to his old shenanigans, drain cleaning in Phoenix. My mom finally let the cat out of the bag about my real dad, and my life slightly resembles Mamma Mia.

There are three people that could be my dad:

The hippie dippie plumber, specializing in herbal drain cleaning. He calls himself Stormy Carl, and I really wish he would be my real dad, because I think we would get along. 

Bret Michaels. What can I say, my mom was a rocker. I knew something weird was up when she loved to watch Rock of Love on VH1. At first I just thought it was because he's attractive in a really odd way, but then she started saying things, like "Bret is so funny" and "she doesn't deserve him".

Tom Selleck. This one I'm way proud of, because he is a silver fox.

I'm mostly worried about being Bret's daughter because I am blonde with blue eyes. Tom Selleck would be cool and all, but I am sort of way attracted to him, so that would be wrong. I am really gunning for the plumber, drain cleaning in Phoenix.

Moving Companies...

One time I had to move across the country from New York to Denver (yeah, it was a huge downgrade, not that Denver isn't awesome, it's just not New York). So I loaded up my little car with all of my crap in it, and believe me - it was a very tight fit. I had stuff strapped to the top and I couldn't see out of any windows, only the drivers side and half of the windshield. That's just how I roll I guess. Mostly I was just too cheap to go to a moving company. So I'm driving along, the drive is supposed to take around 28 hours total...yeah more than a day...and I'm right outside of Des Moines I get pulled over, except I can only tell because of my side view mirror. I wasn't speeding or anything. So the police officer tells me that he has a brother who owns a moving company in Des Moines and he can get me a really good deal. Otherwise, he's going to have to give me a ticket because I can clearly not see anything. I tell him that I am so close to my destination, and I really don't want to use a moving company in Des Moines...but he knows that Denver is actually not that close at all. So I end up calling his brother and I actually get a pretty good deal, and a cool trailer that I pulled behind my car. In the end it was the same amount of money I would've spent because I went without a hotel and just slept in my newly cleared out car :)

Never Ever

Have you ever used a moving company in Des Moines? No, that's weird, I thought every one had...


Here is a list of things I have not done that most people have done: (Basically this is like the game "I have never", but played with just myself)

- I have not seen Dumb and Dumber. Or Bravehart. Or Citizen Kane. Or E.T. Or The Graduate. Or Schindler's List. Or Saving Private Ryan. I know, it's shameful. However, I have seen From Justin to Kelly!


- I have not been to a bar/club (but I have sung Karaoke)

- I don't know how to build a fire

- I don't know how to drive a stick shift

- I don't know what APR means, or 401k

- I have not changed a tire. Or my oil. That's what Triple A and Wal-Mart are for, right?

- I have not moved by myself (which is why I asked about the moving company in Des Moines)

- I have not ever been able to correctly identify North, South, East or West

- I have never fixed a computer

- I have never had a job that paid more than 12 dollars an hour


What have you never done?? Go do it!

Nyssa.

My dad grew up in Eastern Oregon, and by Eastern Oregon, I mean like half of a mile west of Idaho. Seriously, here is a map. The closest thing they have to themselves is Boise. How rough, right? Trying to get auto repair in Boise is easy. Getting your car to Boise for auto repair, not as easy.

Do you see that? The river is the border. Also, Nyssa is home to 3,000 people. Probably 100 of those are my family.

It is actually a very beautiful place where mint leaves and thunder eggs abound. Growing up, I loved visiting there, mostly because I adored my family that lived there, and also because it was fun! And we got to eat mint plants. (Side story, the other day I had some mint lemonade, and I was flooded with images, smells and memories of Nyssa)

It was home to the Amalgamated Sugar Company, where they employed my grandpa until his accidental death there in the 1970s. They employed a little less than 1,000 people until 2005 when they shut down the factory.

Nyssa only has one gas station, but they do have an A&W!

My dad lived here his whole entire life, and my high school had more people in it than his whole town. Mind boggling.

Freud Would Probably be Ashamed

I love to interpret my dreams, so here I go

The other night I had this dream where I was an electrician in Minneapolis
Easy: I had just talked to my cousin who is an electrician in San Francisco, and we were talking about art around San Francisco and we were trying to figure out where that spoon sculpture was, because neither of us have ever seen it, and we figured that if we were in the same city as the spoon, we would have seen it. Or at least known it was there. So we were talking about all of the cities we had been to, but I completely forgot that there was such a place as Minneapolis, let alone art there. He remembered though. 

Next in my dream I was chasing around a red balloon
This one is also easy, although it has a lot of meanings I could attach to it. I just bought a red shirt and a red necklace and I was wondering why because I don't even like the color, but I was delving into my inner thoughts about red,  because apparently deep down I must like the color. Next, I have been researching how to pilot a hot air balloon, and looking into how much they cost, because I think it would be crazy rad. Also, dreams are like balloons, and I have dreams about love, which is red. Also, I love that song 99 luftballoons.

That's all I got for today!
Peace,
Love your Minneapolis electrician chasing red balloons

Hitting Rock Bottom

 
You Know You've Hit Rock Bottom When:

1. You sell your own kidney for crack
2. Your best friend is the food prep manager at Dell Taco. He only works the late night shifts.
3. You sell your best friends baby for crack
4. You refer to yourself as your nick name on World of Warcraft
5. The only woman you saw in the past month was your mom
6. Your girlfriend is a Japanese pillow named Kimiko
7. You start breaking out in the Aladdin song "Street Rat"
8. You sleep outside of an auto repair shop in Boise, and the rats smell better than you do. (not that there's anything wrong with auto repair shops, or Boise, it's just a lethal combination man)
9. You played video games for 3 days straight, forgot to eat and had to be rushed to the hospital
10. You over dose on Flintstones Vitamins
11. When you won't admit you have a problem
12. You gauge your time based on how many levels of call of duty you've beaten. You created an algorithm for it to make it simpler. The average number of minutes it takes to finish a level, multiplied by number of friends you have....
13. You don't even have your baby daddy options narrowed down to three like in Mamma Mia.
14. You have no recollection of the past week because you've been so wasted
15. You share pants with your husband.

My Boyfriends Jack

Once I dated this guy named Jack. He was an electrician in Minneapolis, and boy was he was adorable. We didn't have much in common, just our passion for the band Insane Clown Posse. We met at a concert of theirs and because he is an electrician in Minneapolis, his company was in charge of the lights for the show. So, we met during the show, and there was an instant connection, which was amazing. Jack invited me to come back to meet the band after the show, and hello! Why wouldn't I come, right?  So I ditched my friends and went with him and met the crazy geniuses of Insane Clown Posse. Let's just say, they were awesome, and way nicer that I thought they would be, but that kind of ruined the facade of the insane clowns.

But back to Jack. We had a good run together, we lasted a full 4 months based on our love for a band. Crazy, right? I'd really like to say that we had more in common than that and our crazy connection with each other, but that would be lying. We ended one stormy night when I realized that I wanted more in life than to be married to an electrician, let alone someone I don't have anything in common with. 

AUTO REPAIR

Once I was driving from Portland, Oregon to Salt Lake City, Utah. It was quite a fun trip, actually. Except for when I accidentally left my favorite wallet on top of the car while getting gas and once we hit the freeway it flew off the car. Luckily we pulled off and found my things on the side of the road, including credit cards, my social security card, pictures, cash etc. Weird how critically important things can be boiled down to pieces of paper, right? Fortunately, we found everything. Unfortunately, my wallet was forever ruined :(

Another fun adventure from that trip is when we got to Boise, our car started freaking out. Luckily there was a place called Boise Auto Repair where we kind of got our car fixed. This place, Boise Auto Repair, was nice looking on the outside and the inside. Also, the workers were also nice looking. However, they were confused about our problem, because two girls explaining a car problem is not exactly clear or efficient. So they fixed our car for the air filter or something random like that, and we went confidently on our way.

We made it to Salt Lake, and it turns out there really was nothing wrong with our car, it was some weird noise coming from something in the back of our car.

New York

Do you know that song, Empire State of Mind? Not only is it an awesome song, it was featured on Glee and Sex in the City 2 - with a verse or two of it's own added :)

Well, I want to talk about Sex in the City and the girls from it.

First, Carrie Bradshaw (Preston) - she would hate me for that, or aka Sarah Jessica Parker.
How can you not love Carrie? And even if you are broken up over the whole Aiden thing, it's ok because Big really loves her. 

Second, Miranda Hobbes aka Cynthia Nixon.
I really do not like Miranda. I'm sorry. She is never nice to anyone and she always has a stick up her butt.

Third, Samantha Jones aka Kim Cattral

I didn't know that New York plastic surgery was so big. Then I saw Samantha. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but she goes a little too far, especially in the newest sequel to ensure she is still perfectly young looking.

Lastly is Charlotte York Goldenblatt aka Kirsten Davis.

She is officially my favorite. If I was any of these ladies, it would be Charlotte. Yes, she is a little crazy sometimes, but who isn't? Also, she would never get plastic surgery, unlike some of her soul mates.

Basically, what's not to love about this show, right?

Imitation

New York plastic surgery is an art, it's nothing like LA where you can't walk down the street without getting fake "assets" shoved in your face. I feel like this is true across the board when comparing LA and New York:

New York is the city of Broadway. It is original, moving, deep, live theater.
LA is the home of Cinema. Now, I'm not knocking cinema, but it seems like cinema is a mere imitation of live theater. There is no energy in movies when compared with a live performance. Cinema stemmed from the amazing pieces of drama that greats like Shakespeare or Neil Simon wrote.

New York is the capital of fashion.
LA likes fashion, but it mostly takes what New York loves, copies it, makes a cheap imitation and charges more money for it.

There are a billion more examples, I am sure. But basically this all stemmed from talking about plastic surgery. Mainly, I just really don't enjoy LA. I think it is a simulacrum of a real city (Disneyland included) and it tries to be something it clearly is not. It's like Lady Gaga, she loves to pretend to be obsessed with fame, but really she is calling attention to the fact that we are all crazy obsessed with fame. Except LA does not realize that it is an imitation. It is like bad art, it is trying to be original but everyone can see the influences of Cezanne and Picasso as clearly as they are written on this blog. 

I Gots Mad Love For JT

One normal day I was on my laptop in Central Florida, Winter Park to be more exact when all of a sudden it made a weird noise that sounded like Justin Timberlake, or maybe Michael Jackson singing a high note. I didn't think it was my computer, but after looking all over my apartment for something else that could have sounded like JT I concluded it must have been my computer. Then I went back on to check my email and all I could see were classic paintings, which I actually loved. At first I thought my boyfriend had added an app to my laptop to make me happy. So after I let the pictures scroll through a few times I actually tried to use my computer, and it wouldn't work. I called a computer repair place and they said they could only fix it if it was an actual computer computer, those jerks. So I had to scour the phone book for a laptop repair place. I told them it was probably a virus and asked if they provided virus removal. Luckily they did! They said it was the Justin Timberlake virus (I was right, it was him singing!) and that it pretty much didn't do anything harmful to your computer, it was just crazy hard to get rid of, which is why they call it the JT virus, he isn't harmful, he is just hard to get over your love for him. Hm. And I thought I was the only one with that problem.

I Want To Fly My Airplane.

Once, I really wanted to be a pilot. Obviously I don't have a pilots license, but I still wanted to see how far I could go in the interview process. So I started looking up all of these pilot jobs on craigslist. Not only did I get tons of aviation jobs inquiries with my fake pilot's license, tons of pilot jobs were open for me to apply to!

So I interviewed at a few places, and one place wanted me to fly a plane for my practical interview. I thought long and hard about what I was actually going to do once I got to the interview because I couldn't just go through with it, but I also couldn't pass up an opportunity to fly a plane. When the time came however I confessed to my falsities and told the guy at American Airlines that I was a punk kid writing a book about the job market, and about how verifiable your resume actually has to be. He said he admired my spunk and offered me a job as a hostess. I accepted, because I was pretty low on cash and when American Airlines offers you something, you accept.

India Fever

Have you noticed that India is the coolest place to live these days?
At least it's pretty cool to want to live, or to visit, or to be interested in. Especially if you're from California or New Jersey. Don't ask me why, but those states especially seem to be obsessed with India.

So to keep up with demands and to let you know how cool I am because I know so much about it, let me tell you about India:

Bangalore is nicknamed the Garden City and was once called a pensioner's paradise. This is why there are so many gifts to Bangalore shops, because lots of places in California get flowers and other garden-esque things from Bangalore.

India is the most populous democracy in the world, and the second most populated country in the world.

India has a coastline of 4,700 miles

India is home to Bollywood, which produces about 10 times the volume of films that Hollywood does, but India makes less money.

The Taj Mahal was made by Mughal emperor Shah Jahan for his beloved deceased wife (in the critically acclaimed movie, Slumdog Millionaire, Jamal tells tourists that his wife died in a car accident - however this is not true)

The end. 

Dr. Crazy

I've been thinking a lot about discount supplements lately.

The other day I went into the vitamin store at the mall, I think it's called Vitamin World or something like that. So I was looking for some discount supplements because I definitely don't have enough money not to buy discount supplements, because I need to bulk up, you know? I'm getting pretty scrawny, especially compared to my roommates and I heard Dr. Oz saying that discount supplements are definitely the way to go. Speaking of which, Dr. Oz super weirds me out. Like, I'm not the biggest fan of Dr. Phil, but he seems normal enough. Now Dr. Oz, he is a weirdo to the nth degree. I am super fascinated by him, and obviously I trust him because I always watch Oprah when he is on, but I am always in awe when he talks, a weird awe, like I don't like what is happening to me. I don't really know where Oprah finds these people. Why can't I come on her show and tell her how do something? I could be her fashion expert or something, and she would give me my own show.  

Peace and Music

I have always wanted to go to Woodstock to see a live band or two. Or maybe smoke a few doobies, make a few friends from Minnesota or South Dakota. Have a few days of peace and free love. They had a reunion in 2009 and I wanted to go so bad. There was a band or two there that I really wanted to see. Granted, in 1994 things got pretty out of control and people were throwing poo everywhere. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it. But I still really want to go, maybe it wouldn't be so crazy? Actually, it probably would be that crazy, and totally worth it. I know this guy from Nebraska who went in 2009 and he said it was the coolest thing he's ever done. Also, I really want to see that movie Taking Woodstock directed by Ang Lee, (who directed Brokeback Mountain and Sense and Sensibility, which surprisingly are not the two most different movies ever believe it or not, they are both about lost and found love). Also, it has Demetri Martin in it, who I am totally in love with because he is so awkward but so cool.

Rock n Roll

"You know I wear a medical alarm!" - Liz Lemon

I want to express my love for Liz Lemon, Tina Fey and 30 Rock. In the latest episode Jack says some quip about Liz dying alone and lonely and she makes a joke about wearing one of those medical alert monitoring systems. Then she pulls out a real medical alarm out of her shirt. It wasn't a joke after all. "That's why I wear one too!"

Basically, I think 30 Rock is the best show on TV. Obviously I love Tina, but Tracy Morgan/Jordan makes the show the best ever. (except for when Liz pee's in the vase)

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"I'm straight up mentally ILL!"

"Dr. Spaceman, Dr. Spaceman!!!"

"If your man has a necklace that says 'open marriage' that's a deal breaker??"
"Tracy and Liz's place, Tracy speaking...it's Jenna, from work"
"It's a reef shark, just put it in a tub with a reef"
"Now that we're all up, can we talk about the elephant in the room?"
"Or I would go to my house boat, which I cannot find"
"You like cold pizza better than hot pizza, that's absurd" "Don't tell me how to like my pizza"

Enjoy these quotes, mostly from Tracy :)

Andre the Hurricane

Have you ever seen a hurricane? Or as southerners call them, hurric'n. When I see a hurricane, shutters are sent down my spine. The same goes for storms. I like to call them storm shutters and hurricane shutters because I think the double entendre is funny. I used to live in the Florida area, around Dade county or Broward county, I can never remember which one it was exactly because they were so close to each other. But the hurricanes that came along that area are crazy. I also  lived in Texas, and there was a lot of hail and storms, but nothing that paralleled Florida, man. Probably because Florida is all peninsula and water, no actual substance. Florida is like a premature baby compared to Andre the Giant Texas.

But hurricanes are probably the scariest thing ever. Just about any situation where the outcome or variable is unpredictable scares the pants off me. And a lot of people actually. A burglar robs your house, its scary because you don't know what's going to happen. If you knew a burglar was going to stop by at exactly 8:02 just as American Idol was starting, and that he was just going to take your mom's vase and wouldn't hurt you, you wouldn't be that freaked. But once that burglar comes into your house, the freak out ensues because of the unpredictable.

I Feel It In My Fingers

I have noticed in my years that not too many jewelers have return policies. I find this a pain because why should no jewelers have a return policy?? All jewelers should have a return policy, or at least some sort of exchange program in place. I feel like the jewelers should realize that girls say no, fights occur, families get in the way and things just don't work out perfectly all of the time. I wish that I could start my own jewelery, I would probably start it in Reno because I was amazed at the lack of jewelers that I saw there. At my Reno Jewelery I would have a very lenient return policy, because it is heart breaking enough and embarrassing enough to have to return a ring, and even worse when no jewelers will take it back! My Jewelery will be very successful as I will take no diamonds that are considered "blood diamonds" from Africa. They will all be reasonably priced, and I will also offer Cubic Zirconia because I think that's classy too. Also, I don't believe in going into debt for a ring, so I will offer payment programs so it's easier for couples to afford a beautiful ring. 

Tar Zgay.

Do you want to know why Target is my favorite place to shop?


1.At some Target's they have those big red balls outside the store, and at other ones they have this stamped concrete target that looks like it was made with broken tail lights. It's probably the coolest stamped concrete I've ever seen.

2. I love the quality. It's inexpensive but durable.

3. It is so clean! It has white floors good lighting and it always feels open and clean and bright. I just like to be there.

4. The clothes! And Jewelry! I'm not a super huge fan of the shoes, but still. Mostly I love target dresses. They are cute and inexpensive and I love them. The jewelry is also fantastic, they just started this new line of more expensive jewelry which I was not too happy about, but the pieces were stunning. I bought one on sale.


5. The big signs that tell you where to go for Electronics or the Restrooms.


6. The shopping carts. They look like they were designed by the same people that design kids toys, but these are for adults.

7. Isaac Mizrahi.

8. The ads and commercials. 

9. SuperTargets.

10. EVERYTHING. Hands down, I love Target. There is no question about it.

The end. Peace from Charlotte and Raleigh.

Stanford: All My Hopes and Dreams

So I have always wanted to go to school at Stanford, always always always. In high school, Stanford sent my friend an application! I was crazy jealous. But my mom always told me that the only people that got into those crazy private schools in Palo Alto California (ie. Stanford) were the people whose dad is in jail, because they are underprivileged, and a white middle class girl like me had no choice (which is partly true). Then last summer I got to do some research at the Stanford libraries and they thought I was a student and it made me feel wonderful and awful at the same time. Wonderful that I looked cool enough and smart enough to go there, and awful because I don't have any kind of chance to get in there. But now my good friend got into grad school there! I am so crazy jealous. All that I got growing up was a regular public elementary school (none of those fancy private schools for me) in Portola Valley California. Not that I am complaining, because I got to go to a very nice private school later on in life, it just isn't Stanford, and nothing ever will be.

NORLANS

Things That Remind Me of New Orleans

The Princess and the Frog - That new Disney movie that's not fantastic, but pretty good. Well it's set in New Orleans, and I love the cartoon depiction of the city. First, the French prince is way hunky, and even though he is a frog the whole entire time, he is still hunky. Next, New Orleans! It is so full of jazz and culture that it's hard to resist.

Harry Connick Jr. - He is from there and loooves the jazz culture that is so apparent there. He was way influential in helping rebuild the city after the hurricane. Also, I love Harry and all of his music and acting and everything about him.

Drew Brees - Apparently there are shirts in New Orleans that say "What would Breesus do?" Yup, they love him that much there. He was also very influential in helping rebuild the city - alongside Harry Connick Jr.

Dan - He's a painting contractor there. I met him when I went down for Mardi Gras, and we became fast friends. He is always talking about his painting contractor job and how he could never move away from it because it is so great.

We Didn't Start The Fire

Oh, Scottsdale Arizona. You were voted America's Most Livable City in 1993. In 1937 Frank Lloyd Wright came and set up shop out in Scottsdale. You have this really cool art walk with tons and tons of statues. Now what has happened to you? I used to love you and your statues and your Frank Lloyd Wright influences and your livable-ness.

Mostly I'm upset because when I was last in Scottsdale enjoying living, my CD's got stolen out of my car and the jerks made it so I couldn't open my car even though I had my keys. Don't ask me how they did it, they were super rude. Take my CD's and leave. Naturally, I called a locksmith but that guy was no help at all! He couldn't figure out the lock so he broke the window! And then he charged me for his services, even though I might as well call myself a locksmith because I could have done that. I asked him why he happened to be the worst locksmith in the country when Scottsdale was such a great place to live but he said to me "Honey, I'm the best locksmith there is." Well, that's still debatable, because he's the only locksmith I've ever used and technically I was able to get in my car after that.

RUFIO

You know in the movie the Hangover when they accidentally take roofies? Life is kind of like that sometimes.

For example, back in '84 when I was working for this roofing company in Denver and I was on a job, and there I was, roofing away when all of a sudden, I was in a corn field. I thought I was dreaming so I decided to have the most fun I could. Then I found some crop circles, and I started freaking out and crying, "I want to wake up, I want to go back to roofing in Denver." It was pretty wimpy, I admit it. But still, crop circles and aliens have always freaked me out ever since I can remember. Especially since I saw that movie Signs. Talk about freaky, right? Am I the only one that was scared by that movie? Anyways, I'm in this corn field and I'm running for a long time and I find a swimming pool. There's a huge party with tons of people. I'm so excited to be with people again, how could I not join? They are all talking about where they are from, and no one had ever heard of Denver, and I'm thinking, there is something wrong here, Denver is a big city and...yep. I had been abducted by aliens.

Life in Plastic, It Ain't Fantastic

 
Have you ever been to see a plastic surgeon in Farmington Hills just for kicks and giggles and to make fun of the people in there? And then you accidentally agree to come in the next week for a surgery and end up paying lots and lots of money for a surgery that you only half wanted in the first place? But it still looks really good, and your self esteem so it wasn't exactly a waste of time until you meet a man who looks down on girls who have been to see a plastic surgeon so you have to lie about it? But you never would have met your soul mate if it wasn't for that one day in Farmington Hills because now you have self confidence? So then you're in a conundrum, do you keep lying to the man you love in order to stay happy, or do you tell him and lose him forever because of some silly half pre-meditated mistake? It's not like you ever killed anyone or stole a car. It's just a little trip to the plastic surgeon that caused all of these things events.

Oh, that's never happened to you?? Well, me neither! Have a great day!

SNOOKIE SNUGGIE

You know what New Jersey needs? Better home security! Seriously, do you know how many times I have been sitting at home, watching Jersey Shore with a gallon of ice cream and not been able to concentrate on the drama between Snookie and The Situation because all I can think about are security systems?!?! Too many! I have missed so many important things in The Situations life because I am worried about being burgled. I am not being a very devoted fan. My best friends mom in New Jersey recently got burgled and it has been freaking me out ever since. Especially when you see people like J Woww who clearly does not care if her windows and doors are open at night! Any one could walk in at any time JWoww. Seriously, just because you're on a famous TV show doesn't mean you're safe from home intruders. Especially when there are so many crazed fans of yours that could break in at any time and try to kill you! It has happened before and it will happen again. I am only worried about the safety of you and all your friends. I think I need to go over to NJ and teach everyone a little something about home security!

Plumb Away My Heart

Sacramento is one of my favorite cities ever. My mom grew up there, and now I have lots and lots of family and friends that live there. It's where I go to see concerts, it's where I go to buy kites. It is not where I go to see the Kings, because I don't like them. But it is where I go to see hippies. Lots and lots of hippies, my aunt being one of them. Granted, there are not as many hippies in Sacramento as there are in San Francisco or Berkeley, but it's still is pretty concentrated.


Speaking of hippies, my mom told me this story about a hippie she dated who owned a plumbing company in Sacramento. He performed all sorts of herbal remedies to clean peoples pipes and apparently his plumbing company was pretty successful.  He called it "Hippie Dippie Plumbing." Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up. He would put plants and dirt in their pipes and then he'd meditate for a while. You'd see him around town, riding his bike with a garden in his basket. My mom only got one good picture of him (below), which is tragic because I think he might be my dad.

A Frenchmen's Home Is Where Another Man's Wife Is - Mark Twain

I speak French, did you know?

Truth!

I took French all 4 years of high school, and then in college too, so I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty much fluent now! In class in high school we would always talk about French copper pots and pans because my French teacher was a crazy lady. We called her Big Bird because she was really tall and skinny and had short fluffy blond hair. (I'm not too proud of this, but it was high school, right?) She loved everything random that was even closely related to France or French culture. Like le creuset cookware? Those too! She used to bring in "French bread" that was only French because she made it in a le creuset pot. But I couldn't really complain too much, because we got free bread out of it. Sometimes we would persuade her to let us leave early so we could explore our inner french with french fries. And french toast if we were lucky. But back to copper pots, there are these French ones, called terre e provence I think. And they're really pretty! I'm glad she introduced me to at least one thing that will be useful for me later in life.

I'm Too Sexy For My Buffalo Leather Jacket

Do you want to look really cool this fall season? Hurry and go kill all of the buffalo's you can find. Yeah that's right, I said it - pull an Indian on their butts. Next, shear off the skin, make leather, and sew yourself  a buffalo leather jacket. Make sure there's lots and lots of fringe. And look really tough while you wear it because this only increases your jackets coolness factor. Wimps don't wear leather jackets! It's a cold hard fact.


This is guaranteed to get yourself:
a. Some hot chicks. (Or dudes, if you're into that sort of thing)
b. Some cool friends.
c. Street cred. Tons and tons of street cred. 
d. It will match friends buffalo leather biker gear.
e. Your parents will finally love you.
f. You'll get a very good job.


Don't worry if you don't have a ton of buffalo leather biker gear, there is still plenty of time to get your act together my friend. Last year I didn't get leggings to wear with my short shorts until at least October, and I still had friends. So don't fret if you're a little behind the times, things will come together quickly for you, I just know it.

OMG!

Have you ever been to Las Vegas and had a really crazy weekend? Yeah? How interesting! Did you get arrested and need a bail bondsman? Yeah? You are SO cool and original! False! Everyone has had a crazy weekend in Las Vegas! You are completely unoriginal! How do you feel about that??

You know what else in unoriginal?

ALL OF THESE THINGS:

Your name.
Sara, Matt, Daniel, Alex, Jennifer, Will...you get the picture.

Being a hipster.
What are you?? Beat? Hippie? Punk? Grunge?? I don't get you!

Liking foreign/indie film.
Amelie. Slumdog Millionaire. Requiem For a Dream.

Liking shows "no one else" knows about that got canceled "too early".
Arrested Development. Pushing Daisies. Firefly.

Going Green.
Riding a bike to work. Using the carpool lane. Eating organic.

Caring about the environment.
JK! who actually does this? I love GASOLINE!! Give me MORE!

Highschool texting/Emoticons
omg cn u believ dis? ;P dat grl is 2 gross :x :$ :( :#  <:-/


Using a bail bondsman.
JK. No one does that either. And no one exactly knows what a bail bondsman does either.

Funny cat pictures. Aka LOL CATZ
Confession - they are so funny. But only because they're not!

Michael Cera.
Stop being the same character in everything you act in. Stop it.

Reality TV Shows
Dating in the Dark? Bachelor Pad? Who is watching these??? Oh, that's right...everyone.


Please, try to be original text time. K thnx bye.

Moving and Shaking

Growing up I moved around a lot. Correction, my family moved around a lot and I had no choice but to move with them, some moves were good, others not so ideal. One perk however was that I got to know a good moving company from a bad moving company. A good moving company doesn't break, steal or lose any of your items, which is shocking when everything is returned in its original condition. They also put stickers on all of your things that you find for years to come. The last time we used a moving company was over six years ago and we are still finding those pesky stickers underneath our tables, or on the back of our dressers. We can never tell which moving company put them there, because sometimes we find more than one, and they are different colors. When I was in Elementary School we would move at least every two years, everywhere from Texas to California and Kansas. Luckily though, we never had to move to Des Moines. So now to be settled in a house for more than six years I feel very antsy to leave. It's in my blood to be a mover and a shaker, I guess.

Take Care!

Let's Party Like its 1999!!!

One of my most favorite vacations ever was to Phoenix, Arizona. It was my favorite vacation because unlike other "vacations" my parents took me on, this was real. No sight seeing, no 12 hour days with no actual fun involved and every minute planned. No museums or long lines. I stayed with my roommates cousin in his apartment, and actually he worked for a painting contractor, weirdly enough. And he brought his friends from his painting contractor work over to his apartment to meet me, and they were the nicest bunch of people! We partied, and they all tried to convert me to work for the same painting contractor. I think it was less about the actual painting contractor and more about me moving down to Phoenix. But I was flattered just the same. The next few days we went shopping at local stores, went to the zoo and just lazed around in the amazing Arizona sun by the pool. I didn't see his painting contractor friends again before I left, and I wish we would have kept in touch because I would love to have another real vacation with them. I can't believe I haven't been on a real vacation since then, because it was the most relaxed time of my life. I would definitely recommend the sight seeing vacations to anyone, but its definitely worth it to have a vacation with a painting contractor. :)

Plumbing??

Welcome to my new blog!!

Last night I had the weirdest dream about plumbing. Yeah, I know, plumbing! But if you know me, you know I have weird dreams. So I was on a cruise with my best friend Jude (who is not in love with Twilight, but in my dream she was obsessed with Edward, but more on that later). So Jude and I are on a cruise and we're having all sorts of fun, playing badminton and racquetball. And then we decide to write a book about a plumbing business where the main plumber is named Ed J. Smitty. So we are writing about all of his plumbing problems and his plumbing escapades in the town of Edwardsville (Jude made that up and was crazy excited for it, because she wanted to have at least one homage to Twilight in our book). So we're on our cruise, writing about this plumbing business and then our plumbing stops working. And we start shouting for Ed J. Smitty to come to life and save us. Smitty comes, but he brings with him Moby Dick, who happens to be the cause of our plumbing problems. The cruise ship has to end because of Moby Dick and we are almost eaten many times. Then the dream ended. The end.

Have a great day! Here's a little more plumbing action just to keep things fresh.